Cold Feet?

Cold Feet?

I am engaged. My partner asked me to marry him and I said yes. We have begun planning our wedding.

On day one, I was excited and so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling. On day two, the anxiety began setting in.

I love this man and have wanted to be his wife since our first 6 months together. He will be an amazing husband and father and I would spend the rest of my life with him without thinking twice, but then he asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him.

The proposal didn’t come as a great surprise, we’d talked about it a lot before and I even knew that he’d bought me a ring and was having trouble with getting it delivered during a pandemic, so I knew it was coming and never worried about it. I have looked forward to being his wife for years and never felt anything but happy and confident about it, so why am I feeling like this now that I’ve said yes?

I keep asking myself, as is my practice, what is this feeling and why am I feeling it. The first thought I had, in it’s rawest form was, if I swear on all that I believe in to be with him for the rest of my life, then I actually have to do that. I only make promises I intend to keep, I will only consider divorce in the most extreme of circumstances. So then the questions follow; do I not want to be with him for the rest of my life? Do I imagine us splitting up? Is there someone else I’d rather be with? Or would I rather be alone? But as I already said, I do want to be with him and only him until I die. I’ve wanted that with surety and steadiness for a long time. So it’s not that.

I delved in a little further and found a fear that I would lose my independence. Every decision I made in life would have to include or consider him. I wouldn’t be free to do whatever I wanted without first considering the impact that it would have on him. But I already live like that, and have done for the past two years. I don’t want to do anything that would impact him negatively, and everything I do want are things he wants too. So that’s not it.

Perhaps it’s the idea of the ceremony. I am religious and he is not, nor are either of our families, but if I’m going to make these solemn promises to him then I want it to be in my tradition and with blessings that mean something to me. He is more than happy for us to do that and is helping me to plan that kind of event, but it still feels self-indulgent. To stand up in front of our friends and family and say “this is who I am and what I want so this is how we’re going to do it” makes me feel uncomfortable. But then again, the wedding is about my partner and I making promises and commitments to each other, not about putting on a show for our guests, and as I said before, I would want to make those promises in a way that is meaningful to me, otherwise they won’t mean anything. So I guess it’s not that.

I have always feared change in my life and getting married seems like a big one. Except it’s not really. My name will change and some other legal formalities (nothing major, nor detrimental) will occur, but other than that, we will still live in the same house, with the same cat and the same jobs and hobbies, we’ll just be married, that’s all. So it’s not that either.

Currently, I believe that what I’m feeling is a generalised anxiety that comes with making any large decision in your life without having certainty of the future. We cannot foresee what may happen in our lives and making a commitment so big on faith is a scary thing to do. I have experienced similar anxieties when choosing a university to go to, or buying a car. The difference with those things is that the commitment was short term and reversible, this one is not. Therefore it is not completely unreasonable to expect a higher level of anxiety.

The fear of loss and hurt is strong in me too. Maybe he’ll leave me, betray me, lie to me, and even if he doesn’t, eventually he’ll die, and I don’t know if I can handle a loss like that. There have been many times in my life where I wanted to avoid investing emotion so I would not experience such pain, but I was convinced by well meaning people to ignore my instincts and take the risk (“Life is risky”, “What if everything goes right?”, “If you don’t take that chance you might miss out on something great”). Then my fears would come true, and I’d be destroyed again. Every time I have trusted someone not to hurt me, they have hurt me, usually very badly.

It’s also worth considering that I have never seen a marriage that I coveted or admired. I was never a girl who dreamed about her wedding day and never saw marriage as wonderful thing to aspire to.

So there are no real reasons for me to feel so anxious, and yet many reasons why I am. I will try to meditate on these things and hope that I am consoled by the idea that these fears come from nothing substantial. I have to assure myself that the potential gains outweigh the potential losses and then take the leap of faith.

I am a know-it-all

I am a know-it-all

I am a know-it-all and no-one likes a know-it-all. I am the one who says “Actually” and “Technically” and “I think you’ll find that” and I know that people don’t want to hear it and hate being corrected, I see their eyes roll and their mocking tones and jeering points but I can’t help myself. I have to be right, I have to know and I need people to know that I know. I hate to fail, to be wrong, to make a mistake, and it does happen because I am human. What makes it worse is that the people who are there to see me fail, to prove me wrong, to witness my mistakes, they take such glee in it and point it out and rub it in, because I am a know-it-all and no-one likes a know-it-all.

Intro

Intro

Hello there and welcome to my blog, The True Self.

I have been on a journey for some time but I didn’t realise where I was going or what I should be taking note of on the way. All I knew was that I didn’t want to go back and standing still seemed like a waste, so I kept plodding on.

There were some moments when I actively moved ahead with a goal in sight, but when I got there I figured I might as well keep on going (to paraphrase Forest Gump). Now I realise that all of these little trips have been part of the same big journey and now I that I have a better understanding of what that journey is, I can give it the proper attention it deserves.

As my title may suggest, this journey I am on is to discover The True Self. Some also call it the path to enlightenment or the destruction of the ego. There are many ways to describe it depending on your culture, spiritual beliefs or concepts of human beings. It is a journey that we are all placed on at birth. Some race ahead, eager to find what’s at the end of the path. Contrastly, some just sit in the mud, too tired or afraid to move from their familiar spot. Personally, I spent a long time walking in circles, digging holes and clinging to the ankles of others who were trying to move on. Eventually I found it all too exhausting and I lay down, giving up the struggle. That was when my journey began. I promised myself that I would walk a little way and if it didn’t get any better then I would dig a hole and bury myself in it. I found someone to point me in the right direction, and I started walking. I never dug that hole, I never laid down again.

That was in 2014, when my journey began, and only in the last year, 2019, have I realised where I’m heading. Not the destination, no one can know that until they’ve arrived, but I can see the path and I know the direction I want to go in.

Dispensing with the metaphors then, this journey will require and/or induce meditation and contemplation. I have always had a busy mind and been a deep thinker but, now I’m focused on where I’m going, some of these thoughts may be important to find the understanding that I seek. Therefore, I created this blog to record those thoughts as they arrive. They may be nothing or they may be something. They may be useless to me but golden nuggets for you. Or they may sound deeply profound to me and like crazy ramblings to you. Such is the joy of the internet that I can share what’s in my head and people all over the world can do as they wish with that.

So, welcome! I hope you find something here but if not, that’s okay too. Blessed Be.