Gender and Sexuality Update

I wasn’t going to make this into a blog post because I thought this was something I talked about only recently. Then when I looked back, I found that my previous gender and sexuality post was back in August 2020, so yeah, update time! 🙌🙌

If you haven’t read my last post, you don’t need to but it goes into more detail about my self identity. Essentially, I decided that I was gender fluid and bisexual. Since then, I’ve done more soul searching, more research (do you even know how many different genders and sexualities there are out there?) and, SURPRISE! I am officially coming out as a bi-gendered omnisexual who goes by the pronouns she/her, he/him, or they/them.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, you can find definition of terms here. Honestly, I am not familiar with all of the labels myself, because there are so many and some of them are really specific, but I feel like bi-gendered omnisexual describes me perfectly, so I’m sticking with that.

I have identified as bisexual since I first discovered it was a thing. Back in the day, the only commonly known sexualities were; straight, gay, or bi, but these terms assume there are only two genders. In todays world of “your gender is more than what your genitals look like”, I’ve discovered that sexual attraction is also far more than just what genitals a person has. When transsexuals started becoming more commonplace, I realised that I could be attracted to them too, but still considered myself bi because I figured they were either male to female, or female to male, remaining in the binary. Now, of course, I’m far more aware of the spectrum of genders out there and it feels ridiculous to restrict your attraction to binary people only. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would reject a sexual partner because their gender was “wrong”, that just seems arbitrary and weird. I am physically attracted to humans. So I’m pansexual, right? Not quite. Pansexual people are typically ‘gender-blind’. They either don’t see gender or gender has no influence over their attraction to a person. My attraction feels different to me depending on an individual’s gender or, more specifically, their presentation of their gender (masculinity vs femininity). I’m going to oversimplify things now to help readers understand, but obviously it’s far more complicated than this: Essentially, I prefer feminine women and masculine men. Again, this is a massive oversimplification, but this is the thing that makes me omnisexual rather than pan.

I have identified as non-binary for a while, simply because I knew I didn’t fully identify with the female gender I was assigned at birth, but I also wasn’t trans. Non-binary is a nice umbrella term for “I’m not a man, and I’m not a woman either.” However, this never really sat right with me because it sounds a lot like agender. I definitely have gender, and binary gender at that, my problem was that it was always switching. I took a couple of online quizzes and spoke to a few trans and non binary people online and, more often than not, was given the label “gender fluid”. This is closer, but still makes it sound as if I’m in between male and female, like my gender is on a sliding scale and I could be 65% female and 35% male (for example) at any given point. Again, this is inaccurate, I am 100% male or 100% female depending on my state of mind. My dysphoria goes along with that, I either love my body or totally hate it, I never like some parts but would change others. So I had a little read of some gender terms and found bi-gendered. Perfect. I have two binary genders. Some bi-gendered people can be both genders at the same time, but that’s not true for all. Maybe one day I’ll discover a gender term that exactly describes me, but this one is pretty damn close.

And on that note, let me tell you about Kai. Kai is my male counterpart. That’s right, my male gender is so different and separate from my female gender that he gave himself his own name. He’s not only different from me in terms of gender and sexual preferences, but in personality too. We have similarities but he’s more like a twin brother than my own self. Maybe one day I’ll do a full post about him, or by him, but for now I would briefly describe him as outgoing, cheeky, charming (or at least he likes to think so), and carefree. He’s much more “do now and think later” whereas I’m all “think so much that you never get around to the doing part”, and together we form a functioning human being.

So there you have it, the latest epiphany in the never ending search for labels that can accurately describe my personality so that I feel less weird about how unique I am. Any questions, feel free to ask, I am an open book.

Gender Identity

How I Identify

Last night I dreamt I had a penis. This isn’t an unusual occurrence, I often dream that I have a penis. When I wake up, I have a few moments of phantom limb sensations, then as my full consciousness returns, reality takes hold and I’m left with feelings of loss and emptiness.

I also dream that I have a vagina. I dream that I have a slender body with perfect breasts and smooth hips. I dream about being an icon of femininity, a perfect 10 that draws eyes from across the room. When I wake from these dreams, I am disappointed with the lumpy, bumpy shape that I am and vow (yet again) to do something to change it.

I was born into a female body and, as most females do, I have a number of general insecurities about my body, but I don’t hate my female sex organs.

I have always had a significant amount of “penis envy”. Back in the 1990’s and early 2000’s, before gender identity was a common topic of discussion, I thought my feelings came from growing up with two brothers, being a “tom boy”, and the fact that I generally got on better with boys than girls. Learning a little bit about feminism made me think “Well, of course I want to be a man, life is so much easier for them,” but even now, when I believe this is a woman’s world, I still miss my penis.

The language used to describe the way that people identify, and which pronouns they like to be addressed with, is always changing and adapting and means different things to different people. I often use the term “non-binary” to describe my gender, as that’s generally accepted to mean neither male nor female. However, the term that more truly represents myself is “gender fluid” since I don’t reject being in the binary, I just switch from one to the other. Allow me to explain:

I was born with “normal” female attributes. In fact, as a mature female I have predominant female features. I have an hourglass figure, large breasts and hips, delicate wrists and ankles, an upturned nose and a dimple in my cheek when I smile. I also have long hair and don’t bite my nails which contribute to the female identity, though these are choices and not genetics.

Sometimes I love being female. I will wear makeup, do my hair, put on a well fitting bra and tight top to show off my curves. I enjoy feeling sexy and desirable as a woman. On a deeper level, I love and respect what my female anatomy was designed for. I love that I am able to carry a foetus through development then birth the child through my vagina and feed them from my breasts. That is miraculous to me and I am so grateful to have that capability (even though it means that I have 7/8 day-long, heavy periods).

Sometimes I hate being female. I see my body and cringe before looking away with disgust. I wear sports bras that hold my breasts as flat as possible against my chest. I wear loose, baggy t-shirts and hoodies to disguise any shape that I have. I put on boxers and baggy trousers and sigh deeply for my missing appendage. I do own a “packer” (a synthetic, flaccid penis that can be placed in underwear to simulate the “lump” that men have in their trousers) and I do wear it on the occasions that the loss is particularly painful, just feeling the weight and presence of it between my legs can bring me a little relief, but I’ve not had the nerve to wear it publically yet.

I don’t know how to describe to you the feeling of loss for something that you’ve never possessed. Especially when the thing you’re missing is integral to your understanding of who you are as a person. Call to mind something that is a part of your personality and identity, something that is you, that you could never be without. Now imagine you don’t have that thing, and you can’t even openly express the fact that you miss it because you were never supposed to have it in the first place. Imagine how it would feel to not have the thing that makes you who you are, how lost and unfamiliar you would be.

Operations exist to alter the bodies of males who wish to be females or vice versa, but no doctor would be willing to give a person two sets of genitalia. But I do still suffer with body dysmorphia, so I have to choose whether to remain female and live with the grief of not having a penis, or transition fully to a male and grieve the loss of my female anatomy. I am living in the lose-lose purgatory of gender identity. It is common nowadays to encounter transgender people, and their needs are becoming more openly discussed and met, but there are a plethora of other genders out there who are going underrepresented and who need guidance and assistance to make their bodies more comfortable to live in.

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Gender and Sexuality

I don’t know how common this is, as I feel that it is impolite to ask people about their sexuality, but my gender identity and sexuality are intrinsically linked.

I am bisexual and have known so since I was very young. When I first started exploring my sexuality, I thought I was a lesbian since I found that I was only sexually attracted to women. My attraction to men came later and remained at a lesser level, but I am nevertheless, bisexual. However, the link that this has with my gender is something that I’ve only recently begun to understand.

When I am attracted to a man, I feel like a straight woman. When I am attracted to a woman, I feel like a straight man. During sex, I wouldn’t want a man to treat my body as masculine, and I wouldn’t want a woman to treat my body as feminine, both of those scenarios make me feel uncomfortable. In past situations when I have been with both men and women simultaneously, I assumed the gender that was opposite to the person I found most attractive, and I gave my attention solely to them. I could not, and can not, change my gender identity at will or switch from one to the other at a moments notice.

So that then begs the question, am I actually bisexual? Or am I straight and gender fluid?

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What is Gender/ Coming Out

If you are transgender, coming out is an important part of the transition process. You are announcing to the world (or at least, your loved ones) who you are and how you wish to live. It is your declaration that you intend to shrug off the old you that never really fit, and begin your journey into the you that you know yourself to be. It is also an opportunity for you to inform others of your preferred pronouns and new name. It is the beginning of your rebirth.

If you are non-binary or gender fluid, your identity is not so clear cut and it can be difficult for others to understand. Some non-binary people may choose to adopt the pronouns they/them or ze/zir (or something else) and this is something that they can request of people, but other than that, what parts of their lifestyle will be different? They may cut their hair differently or wear new clothes, but they’re not adopting a whole new persona that people will need to adjust to. In todays world where gender stereotypes are no longer expected, what difference does it make if you are male, female, both, or neither?

I’ve gone back and forth on this idea of whether it’s necessary for me to come out. I don’t know until I wake up in the morning which gender I will identify more with, and therefore I am happy for people to choose whichever pronouns they think best represent me at the time. Nothing about my lifestyle or the way others treat me will change if I announce that I am gender fluid, but I also feel like, by not telling others, I’m keeping it a secret, and I don’t want to do that either.

Well, I guess you can consider this my public coming out. My name is Belle and I identify and gender fluid. Nice to meet you.

The Loss of the Familiar

B.L (Before Lockdown) I was taking one of my many busses to one of my destinations. There was an elderly man sitting at the front with a walking stick. During the journey, the bus hit a bump, or halted suddenly, and he dropped his stick. Someone sat nearby immediately jumped to his assistance and returned the cane to its rightful owner.

It made me think of all of the times (and there were very many of them) when I dropped my cane. Sometimes people would help and sometimes they wouldn’t. Usually someone nearby would ask “Should I get that?” or “Do you need help with that?”. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact I would probably prefer that they ask that just presume, that’s not the point of the story.

The point is that I saw something mundane, even inconvenient, and reflected on it with nostalgia. In that moment, I missed my cane. It had been a part of me for such a long time that, even though I was glad for the freedom, I missed having it with me. I talked about it before as being like an extra leg, a part of my being, my body, my person, so even though I was whole and didn’t need it anymore, it still felt like a part of me was missing.

It was a strange sensation and difficult to explain, I guess I’m just saying that we become comfortable with the familiar and whether that thing is a positive or negative part of us is irrelevant, we still miss it when it’s gone.

Cane and Able(ility)

Before I get started on this month’s post, I first wanted to mention, for those of you who can’t be bothered to read to the end, that I have started up a new Instagram account (@m.e_and_me_experience) to supplement this blog. I use it to recored my day to day experiences in picture and video form. Small, bitesized snippets can be easier to digest, especially if you suffer with brain fog, as I do. So please go and check that out.

I know I’ve mentioned in the past that I use a cane and sometimes a crutch to get around, but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about how I feel about that. So that’s what this post is all about. Some people find it difficult admitting that they need a mobility aid to walk, whereas others may like the attention that having a cane or walking stick gets them. Personally, I didn’t really think about it too much when I first started using it. My father is disabled, which is something else I know I’ve spoken about before, so he uses crutches or a wheelchair to get around, therefore, the idea wasn’t that foreign to me. When I started to realise that walking was difficult it seemed natural to use a stick to help me. At the time, I was going to college and found that, during the walk home from the bus stop after a long day, I would hold onto walls and railings in order to help balance myself and get myself home without collapsing. I felt very unstable on my feet and my legs felt so weak that I thought they would buckle under me with every step. So one day I just asked my dad if I could borrow one of his crutches to make the whole thing easier. It helped and I never questioned it. As my health improved, I decided that the crutch was very encumbersome and that I would probably get by just as well, or better, with a cane or walking stick. I found a cheap one online that I liked the look of and used it when I felt that I needed to. For a while my health was that much better that I didn’t need it at all, but I would always carry it in my bag just in case (it was foldable). It was nice knowing that it was there if I needed it. My illness progressed and I started to use it more, then I began exploring other options and opted for a cane that was sturdier and had a more comfortable hand hold. (I still have my first cane though. It has a different type of rubber foot on it now that is better suited to uneven ground and I’ve dubbed it, my “off-road” cane.) I also considered buying a walking frame with a seat but didn’t have the space for it in my flat and wasn’t sure how much I’d use it. Currently, my health is starting to get that bad that I am considering buying a wheelchair. This is something that I intend to explore during the summer when I have more time to test some out and get used to using it.

Now, I’ve explained how the decision making process came about, but I also want to get more personal about my feelings towards the cane. When I first started using it, I felt a little embarrassed, but only in the same way that one would be self-conscious about a new pair of glasses or heels that are taller than you’re used to. I was very aware of the movements that I was making with the cane and my feet and sometimes wondered how it would look from an outside perspective to see somebody so young using a cane. Sometimes I was concerned that people would think I was making a strange fashion statement. However, I was always grateful for the extra ability and independence that it gave me. I was still able to get out and about and do things, or at least more things then I would be able to do without the cane. I wouldn’t say that I loved it but I definitely had positive feelings for it. As I became more used to it and more confident using it, it became like a third leg. And that’s mostly how I think about it now, I usually forget that it’s there. The motions and movements that I make with it are second nature now so it feels as natural as walking. The only times that I really think about it is on the days when I’m not doing so well and I have to lean more heavily on it, and in those cases I’m only more aware of it because there’s more pressure on my hands and arms, I’m equally aware of the weight of my body on my legs and feet. I’ve never had a prosthetic limb but I imagine it’s a similar feeling. I don’t think of it as being separate from me even though I have no feeling in it and even though it is not physically a part of me. It feels like it’s a part of my character and it is very much a part of my identity. Without it, I feel like I am missing something.

How do I feel about my cane? How do you feel about your leg?

Losing Myself

When you have a chronic illness, especially one as debilitating as M.E, you expect it to take over certain aspects of your life. Where I go, what I do, who I see, and how long for are all dependant on my M.E. We have a one-sided, controlling relationship where I have to check in with it before I make any decisions about my life and it lets me know what I can and cannot do. If I rebel and disobey then I am punished. This is a compromise that I’ve gotten used to and, though I’m not completely happy with the life I’m living, I’ve managed to reduce my suffering by doing as I’m told. The unsettling thing I’ve noticed recently is that, like any unhealthy dependant relationship, it is starting to dominate my thoughts and personality as well.

As a biologist and someone with a scientifically driven mind, I spend a lot of time reading research, journal articles, patient stories etc., looking for treatments, insight, knowledge or understanding, any kind of hope for a way out of my situation. When you spend so much time reading about a particular subject, when you surround yourself with it, it quickly becomes all you have to talk about. I hear myself relating every topic of conversation back to M.E, either my personal experiences or to something I’ve read or heard. I hear people feeling awkward and trying to respond politely. I know that they aren’t interested but it’s the only way I can contribute since M.E is the consuming aspect of my life. Even things as common as the weather (the heat steals my energy and the cold makes the pain worse), how was your weekend (great, I spent it the way I spend every weekend, recovering from the week just passed and preparing myself for the week coming), or if anyone dares complain that they’re tired (you don’t know what tired is! I’d do anything to feel as tired as you right now!). I don’t have hobbies, I rarely go out, I can’t spend time with friends, what’s left for me to talk about?

But my M.E is not a bad boyfriend that I can break up with, or an addiction I can overcome. It forced it’s way into my life uninvited and unwanted and made everything all about itself. It swallowed me up and now, I am more M.E than me.